I was thinking about watching some TV tonight until I got home and found the audio doesn't work on EITHER TV. What the fuck?!?
My own personal theory is that it got zapped too many times by static electricity when I went to change the channels. But that doesn't explain why TV #1 is suddenly functioning again: the picture had died to a vertical line; it's back full now (just no audio).
My other theory is that the cable is somehow bad. Or the digital converter (whose red "on" light isn't on and there doesn't seem to be a switch on the box anywhere). I guess I could check if it was plugged in but would the satellite signal even be getting through to the TV if the box wasn't working at all??
I don't know.
All I know is that I had been looking forward to maybe finding some good TV to watch and now suddenly I can't because the TV's on the fritz. Now maybe I would like the landlord to get us a new TV. (#1 was here when I moved in; #2 might be mine but I'm not sure; I just know I brought it up from the basement.)
Guess I'll have to go back to reading full time, like I did for a couple of years in the late 90s when I moved into a house that didn't have a general-use TV. I read what I could for those years and then a roommate moved in and put a TV in the living room and that was life ever after.
(Suddenly I'm getting angry thinking of an old housemate who came home drunk one night and woke me up to complain about my clutter. Fucking asshole. I was so pissed off.)
Discussting
Where I reveal myself to you in terrible ways
Where I Reveal Myself To You In Terrible Ways
Most of these blog entries will be a record of self-loathing or depression.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Shiver Me Timbers
Yesterday I was looking for some toothpaste. I went to brush my teeth and when I looked on the shelf where the toothpaste had been the night before, it was gone. Argh, my brother and his wife must have taken it for the kids.
Ok, now what?
I went and checked the parents bathroom; no dice. Then I went and checked my bag; I knew that I had had a sample size tube in one of the pockets at one point.
I started with an end pocket in my little duffel bag, digging blindly down at the bottom. My fingertip flicked across something; hunh, what was that? I felt somewhere else: Oh, it's a disposable razor. Then I took my hand out and realized I had just "shaved" off the tip of my finger. Ouch.
It bled like a bitch and for a little while I couldn't find any band-aids. I didn't know what I was going to do because I didn't even know where the clear tape was to tape a piece of paper towel around my finger. Plus my dexterity was greatly reduced because it was my dominant finger (duh; that's why it was on the front lines of my search).
I eventually put a band-aid on it. It filled up with a large bloodstain but it didn't bleed through or out. I can't remember if I changed it before or after the kids came home but I definitely did after because soon after I was rough-housing with them, I bumped the tip and I knew it was bleeding again.
I have to change it again because I just took a shower with it on.
--
In other news: I had this sharp pain in the fold under my big toe like a paper cut. Turns out it was a hair jabbed into my skin. Ever get that? This is only about the second time for me.
Also, I ripped my favorite pair of boxers. I heard them rip last night but didn't want to believe it. I don't know how to prevent it other than switching to boxer briefs (seem to hot) or always remembering to hike up my pants AND boxers whenever I'm going to squat down. That's how they keep ripping. I keep squatting down and they don't ride up and they rip.
I've bought some new ones lately, so that's good. I think I have eight new pair. For some reason I haven't opened them; I feel like I have this strange commandment to myself to only open them when I get a job and have someplace to go again.
We shall see.
Ok, now what?
I went and checked the parents bathroom; no dice. Then I went and checked my bag; I knew that I had had a sample size tube in one of the pockets at one point.
I started with an end pocket in my little duffel bag, digging blindly down at the bottom. My fingertip flicked across something; hunh, what was that? I felt somewhere else: Oh, it's a disposable razor. Then I took my hand out and realized I had just "shaved" off the tip of my finger. Ouch.
It bled like a bitch and for a little while I couldn't find any band-aids. I didn't know what I was going to do because I didn't even know where the clear tape was to tape a piece of paper towel around my finger. Plus my dexterity was greatly reduced because it was my dominant finger (duh; that's why it was on the front lines of my search).
I eventually put a band-aid on it. It filled up with a large bloodstain but it didn't bleed through or out. I can't remember if I changed it before or after the kids came home but I definitely did after because soon after I was rough-housing with them, I bumped the tip and I knew it was bleeding again.
I have to change it again because I just took a shower with it on.
--
In other news: I had this sharp pain in the fold under my big toe like a paper cut. Turns out it was a hair jabbed into my skin. Ever get that? This is only about the second time for me.
Also, I ripped my favorite pair of boxers. I heard them rip last night but didn't want to believe it. I don't know how to prevent it other than switching to boxer briefs (seem to hot) or always remembering to hike up my pants AND boxers whenever I'm going to squat down. That's how they keep ripping. I keep squatting down and they don't ride up and they rip.
I've bought some new ones lately, so that's good. I think I have eight new pair. For some reason I haven't opened them; I feel like I have this strange commandment to myself to only open them when I get a job and have someplace to go again.
We shall see.
Now I'm up late - and shouldn't be - doing nothing; online, half-watching Law & Order: Criminal Intent; writing here.
I should have been writing this afternoon. I have these letters I want to write and I never write them. I think they're powerful letters; I think they could have a great effect but I doubt myself; myself as agent of change, myself as author of the letters.
That was one of the things I thought of doing before this weekend; coming up, writing the letters, mailing them. I think I hesitate to send my letters for fear they will just disappear into the ether and nothing will happen.
Of course, for best results I should try to organize things myself or promote myself somehow but again, that relies on me believing in myself as Agency, something I'm unwilling to do.
I started writing a note the other night called "In Denial and Practicing Avoidance;" the denial was about my progressive balding; the avoidance is about not facing up to my responsibilities; taking responsibility for my talents and work ethic; for living up to the ideals that I espouse to others or to myself. If I say I believe in certain things, I should live up to those things. If I say I'm going to volunteer at X or Y, I should follow through. And I should definitely learn to look for, find and take a job that will pay money, regardless of what it is. I can get another job later; the important thing now is to have money coming in and be working, which will be important to employers in that they'll see that I was industrious and got myself a job, even if it was some bottom rung job that didn't pay a lot or have any prestige.
Of course, how do I explain all my downtime? All this time I took off and didn't do anything?
It wouldn't be as bad if I had done something else during that time than sit on the couch and watch TV; if I had traveled or volunteered full time or something; but I didn't do any of that. I spent the majority of time at home, zoning out and not thinking. It was a lousy existence; and as it translates to work (or as an analogy for one's work life), it doesn't say good things. So I worry about that a lot.
I've thought about doing the "whatever" cover letter. I think about it a lot. The problem is, I've only applied to three places; and I really do want a job; so how do I not self-sabotage? (I may already be shooting myself in the foot with my LinkedIn profile. I posted some picture of me with tousled hair and labeled myself a dreamer; that probably doesn't look good with employers of straight jobs.)
I was watching this show "Portlandia" and, although it's a comedy, when they talked about how "remember in the 90's when it was ok to not have ambition and people had these crazy part-time jobs, like they worked 2 or 3 hours a week at some coffee shop? That still exists in Portland!" I wanted to move there in the hopes that I could live that life and be accepted for that.
Of course what do I mean by acceptance? I'm accepted now, I just choose not to exercise it. There are people who like me and accept me, I just don't go out and interact with them. It's my fault I have no social life, not anyone else's.
God, that was depressing to write that and talk about that. I'm going to go do something else now.
I should have been writing this afternoon. I have these letters I want to write and I never write them. I think they're powerful letters; I think they could have a great effect but I doubt myself; myself as agent of change, myself as author of the letters.
That was one of the things I thought of doing before this weekend; coming up, writing the letters, mailing them. I think I hesitate to send my letters for fear they will just disappear into the ether and nothing will happen.
Of course, for best results I should try to organize things myself or promote myself somehow but again, that relies on me believing in myself as Agency, something I'm unwilling to do.
I started writing a note the other night called "In Denial and Practicing Avoidance;" the denial was about my progressive balding; the avoidance is about not facing up to my responsibilities; taking responsibility for my talents and work ethic; for living up to the ideals that I espouse to others or to myself. If I say I believe in certain things, I should live up to those things. If I say I'm going to volunteer at X or Y, I should follow through. And I should definitely learn to look for, find and take a job that will pay money, regardless of what it is. I can get another job later; the important thing now is to have money coming in and be working, which will be important to employers in that they'll see that I was industrious and got myself a job, even if it was some bottom rung job that didn't pay a lot or have any prestige.
Of course, how do I explain all my downtime? All this time I took off and didn't do anything?
It wouldn't be as bad if I had done something else during that time than sit on the couch and watch TV; if I had traveled or volunteered full time or something; but I didn't do any of that. I spent the majority of time at home, zoning out and not thinking. It was a lousy existence; and as it translates to work (or as an analogy for one's work life), it doesn't say good things. So I worry about that a lot.
I've thought about doing the "whatever" cover letter. I think about it a lot. The problem is, I've only applied to three places; and I really do want a job; so how do I not self-sabotage? (I may already be shooting myself in the foot with my LinkedIn profile. I posted some picture of me with tousled hair and labeled myself a dreamer; that probably doesn't look good with employers of straight jobs.)
I was watching this show "Portlandia" and, although it's a comedy, when they talked about how "remember in the 90's when it was ok to not have ambition and people had these crazy part-time jobs, like they worked 2 or 3 hours a week at some coffee shop? That still exists in Portland!" I wanted to move there in the hopes that I could live that life and be accepted for that.
Of course what do I mean by acceptance? I'm accepted now, I just choose not to exercise it. There are people who like me and accept me, I just don't go out and interact with them. It's my fault I have no social life, not anyone else's.
God, that was depressing to write that and talk about that. I'm going to go do something else now.
For a second I changed channels to the "Electronica/Dance" music channel on my brother's cable system and there was some loud, fast dance music and I was excited. I thought about dancing and how I love to dance to fast dance music. I find it transporting.
I suddenly had this image of a life where I went dancing every night and shooting at a gun range during the day.
Crazy, right?
I don't know what my deal is; I have a problem getting a little job or a "regular" job but I have no idea seeing myself as some kind of luxuried dandy, coasting through life with an enormous trust fund. (The question becomes: where does this trust fund come from??)
I've been at my brother's for two days. It's amazing how I've been able to forget my own life and ignore all my worries. I don't know why I can; my life isn't any difference here than it is at home. Ok, that's not true. Maybe it's because I've got people here who love being with me or people to talk to all the time. There's also work to do: I cleaned the dining room table and cleaned a little of the floor today. I picked up some things in the downstairs but didn't do as much as I could have (or wanted to). I didn't do the load of wash I wanted to. I cleaned the toilet a bit but I didn't clean the shower at all. (The tub looks pretty good; I was kind of surprised.)
I was going to do all this today; the family was away yesterday afternoon until this afternoon. But I woke up today and didn't know what to do with myself - and wasn't terribly motivated to do the cleaning. I should have taken a shower but what I did do was lay down on the couch and go to sleep at noon or so and woke up at about 2 when the first kid came busting through the door.
Of course, I didn't have any money (or not a lot and I should be conserving it) so I didn't feel comfortable just going out and doing whatever. I had thought about going to the movies but I wasn't really into it (it's going alone and I have a hard time doing that). If I could have, I would have gone to the store and bought a bunch of food or maybe gone to a clothing store and bought myself some clothes. When I'm here, I like to buy them a bunch of food, like steak.
But I guess I just didn't know what to do with myself, which is always how I feel. I don't have a place for myself; a role for myself in my own life. I'm just...here.
The other thing I could have done was call my friend's parents and gone to visit them. That was an idea I suggested to myself before I left Washington. It would have been odd, though; I'm not that close to them, really. In fact, what I would want to do is go over there and ask his dad about his drinking and his life and what he thinks about getting older and death and whether his dad's early death has anything to do with it.
It's stupid because I'm way out of my depth on stuff like that. I like to talk about it but I don't have any real experience with life and relationships to know anything about it. I haven't built anything up and lost it, taken any real risks to know what real loss is about. I'm just a piece of wood, bobbing on the ocean of life.
Which goes back to the idea of avoidance: that attitude means I don't take responsibility for the direction of my life and what happens in it. I may be on a small wooden raft in a vast ocean but I can always paddle with my hands to try to push myself in a particular direction.
I suddenly had this image of a life where I went dancing every night and shooting at a gun range during the day.
Crazy, right?
I don't know what my deal is; I have a problem getting a little job or a "regular" job but I have no idea seeing myself as some kind of luxuried dandy, coasting through life with an enormous trust fund. (The question becomes: where does this trust fund come from??)
I've been at my brother's for two days. It's amazing how I've been able to forget my own life and ignore all my worries. I don't know why I can; my life isn't any difference here than it is at home. Ok, that's not true. Maybe it's because I've got people here who love being with me or people to talk to all the time. There's also work to do: I cleaned the dining room table and cleaned a little of the floor today. I picked up some things in the downstairs but didn't do as much as I could have (or wanted to). I didn't do the load of wash I wanted to. I cleaned the toilet a bit but I didn't clean the shower at all. (The tub looks pretty good; I was kind of surprised.)
I was going to do all this today; the family was away yesterday afternoon until this afternoon. But I woke up today and didn't know what to do with myself - and wasn't terribly motivated to do the cleaning. I should have taken a shower but what I did do was lay down on the couch and go to sleep at noon or so and woke up at about 2 when the first kid came busting through the door.
Of course, I didn't have any money (or not a lot and I should be conserving it) so I didn't feel comfortable just going out and doing whatever. I had thought about going to the movies but I wasn't really into it (it's going alone and I have a hard time doing that). If I could have, I would have gone to the store and bought a bunch of food or maybe gone to a clothing store and bought myself some clothes. When I'm here, I like to buy them a bunch of food, like steak.
But I guess I just didn't know what to do with myself, which is always how I feel. I don't have a place for myself; a role for myself in my own life. I'm just...here.
The other thing I could have done was call my friend's parents and gone to visit them. That was an idea I suggested to myself before I left Washington. It would have been odd, though; I'm not that close to them, really. In fact, what I would want to do is go over there and ask his dad about his drinking and his life and what he thinks about getting older and death and whether his dad's early death has anything to do with it.
It's stupid because I'm way out of my depth on stuff like that. I like to talk about it but I don't have any real experience with life and relationships to know anything about it. I haven't built anything up and lost it, taken any real risks to know what real loss is about. I'm just a piece of wood, bobbing on the ocean of life.
Which goes back to the idea of avoidance: that attitude means I don't take responsibility for the direction of my life and what happens in it. I may be on a small wooden raft in a vast ocean but I can always paddle with my hands to try to push myself in a particular direction.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
I couldn't sleep so I didn't sleep so now I'm exhausted and miserable. I'm going to my brother's today and so I was wound up about that (deadlines!) and then I started thinking about everything else (projects, etc) and I couldn't stop thinking.
I went to bed at 3am after watching TV half the night, thinking I'd sleep until 8:30 when my alarm went off, snooze it 'til 9, then get up and have two and a half hours before I had to leave. Thinking, thinking, thinking, I got up at 4:30 after being unable to quiet my mind.
I watched a half-hour of TV and then went back to bed at 5, thinking three hours was better than nothing. Churn, churn, churn; I got up at 5:30 and wrote a letter to my cousin and then one to my alma mater. Then I brought up my file box and did some filing and then some project notes. Then, finally, I went up to bed to lay down again.
I went up at 7:30. I was awake, awake, awake and checked the clock at 8:19. I lay there for 11 more minutes, then lay there for a couple of snoozes. Finally I got up about ten minutes ago; I just couldn't take it.
Oh - before that, I got up and packed my bag for the trip.
Up and down, up and down, up and down. Lots of things accomplished; no sleep. So now I'm up because I feel like I should be up, now, because this was when I was going to be up when I planned it out last night. I guess I can do some notes and apply for some jobs and try to nap for an hour but I don't know how I'll feel after that. Ah, well. The most important part, really, is for me to apply for more jobs today. I have a bunch already open on my computer and I don't want to double-apply for anything if I go use my brother's computer. So I'm going to have to note something about each job so I know I've already applied for it.
Here goes nothing.
I went to bed at 3am after watching TV half the night, thinking I'd sleep until 8:30 when my alarm went off, snooze it 'til 9, then get up and have two and a half hours before I had to leave. Thinking, thinking, thinking, I got up at 4:30 after being unable to quiet my mind.
I watched a half-hour of TV and then went back to bed at 5, thinking three hours was better than nothing. Churn, churn, churn; I got up at 5:30 and wrote a letter to my cousin and then one to my alma mater. Then I brought up my file box and did some filing and then some project notes. Then, finally, I went up to bed to lay down again.
I went up at 7:30. I was awake, awake, awake and checked the clock at 8:19. I lay there for 11 more minutes, then lay there for a couple of snoozes. Finally I got up about ten minutes ago; I just couldn't take it.
Oh - before that, I got up and packed my bag for the trip.
Up and down, up and down, up and down. Lots of things accomplished; no sleep. So now I'm up because I feel like I should be up, now, because this was when I was going to be up when I planned it out last night. I guess I can do some notes and apply for some jobs and try to nap for an hour but I don't know how I'll feel after that. Ah, well. The most important part, really, is for me to apply for more jobs today. I have a bunch already open on my computer and I don't want to double-apply for anything if I go use my brother's computer. So I'm going to have to note something about each job so I know I've already applied for it.
Here goes nothing.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Watching my British TV shows online (I've sent one application so far) and just thought to myself: "I'd like to go abroad and watch TV for a year." [smile] How pathetic is that??
Still, and all.
:)
--
They were talking about travel (it's an old episode and they're discussing the newer airport scanners that can see through your clothing) and I suddenly had this feeling of: "I'd like to travel somewhere;" "I wish I could fly somewhere." But I had that opportunity and I couldn't make anything of it because I didn't know what I would do once I got to where ever it was! And the further away anything was the more absurd it would become! Why would I go to Ireland or England if I couldn't even figure out a way to distract myself in Montana, or Seattle? (I realize one's a state and one's a city.) I had great dreams of visiting places in Latin America but I just couldn't be bothered because I didn't know what I would do once I got there. I even looked into volunteering in some parts and taking classes in another because I have such an impossible time meeting people and feeling comfortable around strangers that I figured at least this would give me activity and connection; otherwise I would just feel trapped and isolated, even if I was in the most friendly city on earth!
It's so stupid being me.
Still, and all.
:)
--
They were talking about travel (it's an old episode and they're discussing the newer airport scanners that can see through your clothing) and I suddenly had this feeling of: "I'd like to travel somewhere;" "I wish I could fly somewhere." But I had that opportunity and I couldn't make anything of it because I didn't know what I would do once I got to where ever it was! And the further away anything was the more absurd it would become! Why would I go to Ireland or England if I couldn't even figure out a way to distract myself in Montana, or Seattle? (I realize one's a state and one's a city.) I had great dreams of visiting places in Latin America but I just couldn't be bothered because I didn't know what I would do once I got there. I even looked into volunteering in some parts and taking classes in another because I have such an impossible time meeting people and feeling comfortable around strangers that I figured at least this would give me activity and connection; otherwise I would just feel trapped and isolated, even if I was in the most friendly city on earth!
It's so stupid being me.
I just got off the phone with Divorce Friend and she's miserable. I suppose I should call her "Divorced Friend" now because her divorce became final last week. She called me up crying when it was over to thank me for my help.
Now all she has is anger and bitterness. She feels she gave away a huge chunk of hard-earned money to someone who didn't deserve it and now she's struggling to pay her own bills. I was just thinking that one of the reasons I would like to have a job and an income would be to send her money from time to time. I was just thinking up creative ways to send it to her so that she couldn't refuse it as being from me. (She wouldn't want charity, even though she could use it, and I don't care enough about money to have it be a loan - I guess in some ways I'm hippy-like, in that I think it'll be paid back through some other source.) (Yeah, right: more likely is that I don't think I deserve any money in the first place, so if I give it away and don't get it back, [shrug] so what? I didn't deserve to have it in the first place.)
God, work is so awesome in that way. And maybe it would be great to be the kind of person that felt that were valuable and worth something (worth money, I mean); I have a personal feeling of value about myself - I know I am worthy for some work; it just doesn't translate to money for me; I don't know why.
I applied for two jobs last night. My goal was to apply for five. So I missed that mark by a mile (in my mind). Plus, as I said last night, I fucked up one of the emails so that I sent it twice; first without the resume and then with. If there's a mark of incompetence, that's sure it.
Ah, fuck. [sigh]
Now all she has is anger and bitterness. She feels she gave away a huge chunk of hard-earned money to someone who didn't deserve it and now she's struggling to pay her own bills. I was just thinking that one of the reasons I would like to have a job and an income would be to send her money from time to time. I was just thinking up creative ways to send it to her so that she couldn't refuse it as being from me. (She wouldn't want charity, even though she could use it, and I don't care enough about money to have it be a loan - I guess in some ways I'm hippy-like, in that I think it'll be paid back through some other source.) (Yeah, right: more likely is that I don't think I deserve any money in the first place, so if I give it away and don't get it back, [shrug] so what? I didn't deserve to have it in the first place.)
God, work is so awesome in that way. And maybe it would be great to be the kind of person that felt that were valuable and worth something (worth money, I mean); I have a personal feeling of value about myself - I know I am worthy for some work; it just doesn't translate to money for me; I don't know why.
I applied for two jobs last night. My goal was to apply for five. So I missed that mark by a mile (in my mind). Plus, as I said last night, I fucked up one of the emails so that I sent it twice; first without the resume and then with. If there's a mark of incompetence, that's sure it.
Ah, fuck. [sigh]
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
I'm trying to apply for jobs and I'm procrastinating. My goal was(is) to apply for five jobs. I've got six or so open right now. But it makes me anxious to think about applying. I'm anxious all the time anyway, but I'm still having a hard time applying. I guess I expect to be judged and I expect to be judged wanting. Or I skip ahead and see myself fucking up and getting fired. (How's that for getting ahead of myself??)
Recently I've started thinking about my money running out and it's causing me anxiety. A low-level, constant thrum that makes my chest and stomach feel tight. Or constricted; constricted, I guess. I feel like bands are wrapped around my chest, pressing lightly on my lungs. I can't relax. In the past couple of days my shoulder joints have felt sore and made me wonder if it's some kind of anxiety-stress-inflammation tie-up. I know stress can do that; make you unhealthy. I just don't know if it targets particular systems like that.
I opened this, though, so I could write about something else. I've written before about how not having a job or money to spend makes one feel disconnected from society in the US since our society is consumer-based. Granted, I'm just basing that on watching television, since that's all I do; but it also affects my ability to go anywhere since most places you have to spend money to be there. If you're going to meet up with friends, where are you going to do it? A bar; a restaurant; the movies. You go places that cost money. When you don't have money to spend; you can't, shouldn't or don't want to do that stuff.
The recent manifestation of this for me is my email. I'm signed up to all these savings things and now they're just annoyances and, somehow, shaming devices. Groupon, Bloomspot, Daily Candy; emails from Barnes & Noble, Jos. A Bank, Best Buy. I can't buy any of their products anymore and I feel oppressed by all their emails and guilty that I can't partake in this savings bonanza.
So I'm trying to correct that. Last night when I was suffering through my second day of constant, low-level anxiety about work, I realized that even if I feel the anxiety, I can still apply for jobs and work on the problem, even if it doesn't make me feel better. (I don't expect it to make me feel better because I don't feel like I can affect my own life; I don't think I can get a job; one has to be given to me.) I don't know if I'll feel any better once I do apply - since I feel like such a lousy candidate - but at least I can say that I did apply and that's something, right?
I'm anxious.
Recently I've started thinking about my money running out and it's causing me anxiety. A low-level, constant thrum that makes my chest and stomach feel tight. Or constricted; constricted, I guess. I feel like bands are wrapped around my chest, pressing lightly on my lungs. I can't relax. In the past couple of days my shoulder joints have felt sore and made me wonder if it's some kind of anxiety-stress-inflammation tie-up. I know stress can do that; make you unhealthy. I just don't know if it targets particular systems like that.
I opened this, though, so I could write about something else. I've written before about how not having a job or money to spend makes one feel disconnected from society in the US since our society is consumer-based. Granted, I'm just basing that on watching television, since that's all I do; but it also affects my ability to go anywhere since most places you have to spend money to be there. If you're going to meet up with friends, where are you going to do it? A bar; a restaurant; the movies. You go places that cost money. When you don't have money to spend; you can't, shouldn't or don't want to do that stuff.
The recent manifestation of this for me is my email. I'm signed up to all these savings things and now they're just annoyances and, somehow, shaming devices. Groupon, Bloomspot, Daily Candy; emails from Barnes & Noble, Jos. A Bank, Best Buy. I can't buy any of their products anymore and I feel oppressed by all their emails and guilty that I can't partake in this savings bonanza.
So I'm trying to correct that. Last night when I was suffering through my second day of constant, low-level anxiety about work, I realized that even if I feel the anxiety, I can still apply for jobs and work on the problem, even if it doesn't make me feel better. (I don't expect it to make me feel better because I don't feel like I can affect my own life; I don't think I can get a job; one has to be given to me.) I don't know if I'll feel any better once I do apply - since I feel like such a lousy candidate - but at least I can say that I did apply and that's something, right?
I'm anxious.
Labels:
consumerism,
email,
money,
stress
Friday, February 10, 2012
Speaking of Fallow Fields...
I was reading a piece in Mother Jones (from 2000; they went out of business, right?) about the prison company CCA moving into Ohio's former steel towns and I thought again about what I thought of for Detroit and Michigan: greenhouses. They should start building massive (and masses) of greenhouses and producing..well, produce, in these broken-down towns. Maybe they could sell it to local stores; maybe they could just use it to keep their own populace fed; who knows? But people are always lamenting the quality of our foods and that America is getting away from being an agricultural nation; why not build it back up? Start in the places that are having a hard time now. Make it small and quality, rather than huge and industrial. Industry + food = fail. Time and time again. Bananas, tomatoes - there's a list of foods that aren't like they used to be because they've all become industrialized and internationalized and crappified. I recently read that a CEO's job is "to maximize profit for shareholders." You wanna explain how that coincides with producing healthy, good food? It doesn't. Industrialization is good for mechanized things like computers and cars. Food, not so much.
Recent Development
For some reason, one of my posts is getting all this spam activity all of a sudden. (Is it "all of A sudden" or "all of THE sudden?") It's really weird. I haven't gotten any spam in ages, almost like comment spamming didn't happen anymore. I think I even got that mistaken notion; that somehow spammers had moved on from comments and found some other lucrative field. But I guess that's just because my blog is so unread. Maybe they just discovered throwing their seed in my fallow field wasn't going to do them much good.
Kinda Dick-ish Foundation
Here's my creative idea for today: I have a bunch of socks with holes in them. I'm not going to fix them but I'm not going to turn them into rags for dusting and cleaning because I don't dust and/or clean. Even more infuriating, I feel guilty about just throwing them out; they feel to "whole" or something.
So how about this: how about I create a way to send these holey socks to some country where they don't have shit, so they'll find a good use for the pieces of sock that they get or they'll use some socks to repair other socks so that they'll have socks.
Of course, when I proposed this to my inner mind, my environmentalist friend (whose influence makes me feel guilty about throwing out clothes) influence said: "Well, that's kind of dick-ish." Ok, yes! I can admit that! Still, maybe it's a good idea! I'm not just throwing out material that could be used for something; I'm not wasting it by having it sit in my home and I'm giving it to a populace that's much better with their scraps (unless the whole world has been corrupted by cheap Chinese shit). So to me, it's a win-win-win!
The Kinda Dick-ish Foundation: doing half-measures, the world over!
So how about this: how about I create a way to send these holey socks to some country where they don't have shit, so they'll find a good use for the pieces of sock that they get or they'll use some socks to repair other socks so that they'll have socks.
Of course, when I proposed this to my inner mind, my environmentalist friend (whose influence makes me feel guilty about throwing out clothes) influence said: "Well, that's kind of dick-ish." Ok, yes! I can admit that! Still, maybe it's a good idea! I'm not just throwing out material that could be used for something; I'm not wasting it by having it sit in my home and I'm giving it to a populace that's much better with their scraps (unless the whole world has been corrupted by cheap Chinese shit). So to me, it's a win-win-win!
The Kinda Dick-ish Foundation: doing half-measures, the world over!
As I see it, I have one task to get done today. It's a task I have wanted/needed to get done for about two and a half weeks now and I've either just been lazy, stuck or stupid when it came to getting it done. Stuck: I didn't leave the house. Stupid: I went to get this item and forgot it (and got other stuff) or found the store I went to didn't have it (I should have expected that). Lazy: I didn't want to walk to the store that has it.
All I have to do today is buy Q Tips. Just that one thing. And I've told myself to do it on numerous occasions and haven't, either because I couldn't get myself to leave the house or because I didn't want to walk "all the way" up to CVS, which is up a slight rise two or three blocks away.
Actually, there are numerous things I would have done today (and thought about doing) if I was feeling motivated (which I am, slightly). I have planned for weeks to mail some items to friends and family. I keep meaning to go downtown and get a check for my rent from the bank (I ran out of checks months ago; possibly a year ago). If I went downtown, I could take in stuff for dry cleaning and I could treat myself to lunch.
But then I get caught up. I shouldn't be spending money because I'm not earning money and I'm not earning money because I don't have a job and I don't have a job because I'm not trying hard enough to get one and the road winds down into more and more self-recrimination.
I think I mentioned the other day the opposing cycles of positivity and negativity. This is an example of where they could make vast amounts of difference. If I was positive, then I would go downtown and do my tasks; get energy from doing my tasks; feel positive about that; then could use that positivity to do more tasks, either in the sense of cleaning up my home or life, doing exercise, or sending in resumes and cover letters. If I was positive, I might have already called these places about volunteering in their offices, giving me a place to go each day and maybe a sense of belonging, which could energize me and give me the positivity to work out or submit applications. You see how they are each self-fulfilling prophecies? That's why I tend to work on the assumption that you are Person A or you are Person B, meaning you wake up with one kind of energy already in your head. I seem energetic today; it might be because I spent part of Wednesday and all of yesterday with Best Friend (and also took a shower last night). The left-over energy of connecting with and being with other people is brightening me today; yesterday it made me think today could be a very productive day. (There's no good color for it. I wanted it to be bright green but also easily readable but as you see, even with bold it's still off.) I slept a good bit last night (too much, in fact) but I got up today and ate an orange (good) and put clothes in the wash (better). But then I sat down here at the computer and started reading articles and now I've been doing that for three hours and the articles are just multiplying like hydra's heads as I click on this article and this article and try to read them and close them but then "ooh! This looks good..." It never ends. (Which, conversely, would be a good idea for an ad for reading: "Reading: It Never Ends.") One of my major problems in the world is all the information that I cannot take in. I would like to know everything (or close to it; maybe 65%) but there's no chance of that. I can't read/hear/see it all and - of course - sometimes I get bored or uninterested and want to do something else; only I don't have a concept of "doing something else" and so I go to sleep or something like that. Those are probably the times I should be working out, or cooking, or cleaning or ironing or going downtown. Those are the times for action.
Ugh.
All I have to do today is buy Q Tips. Just that one thing. And I've told myself to do it on numerous occasions and haven't, either because I couldn't get myself to leave the house or because I didn't want to walk "all the way" up to CVS, which is up a slight rise two or three blocks away.
Actually, there are numerous things I would have done today (and thought about doing) if I was feeling motivated (which I am, slightly). I have planned for weeks to mail some items to friends and family. I keep meaning to go downtown and get a check for my rent from the bank (I ran out of checks months ago; possibly a year ago). If I went downtown, I could take in stuff for dry cleaning and I could treat myself to lunch.
But then I get caught up. I shouldn't be spending money because I'm not earning money and I'm not earning money because I don't have a job and I don't have a job because I'm not trying hard enough to get one and the road winds down into more and more self-recrimination.
I think I mentioned the other day the opposing cycles of positivity and negativity. This is an example of where they could make vast amounts of difference. If I was positive, then I would go downtown and do my tasks; get energy from doing my tasks; feel positive about that; then could use that positivity to do more tasks, either in the sense of cleaning up my home or life, doing exercise, or sending in resumes and cover letters. If I was positive, I might have already called these places about volunteering in their offices, giving me a place to go each day and maybe a sense of belonging, which could energize me and give me the positivity to work out or submit applications. You see how they are each self-fulfilling prophecies? That's why I tend to work on the assumption that you are Person A or you are Person B, meaning you wake up with one kind of energy already in your head. I seem energetic today; it might be because I spent part of Wednesday and all of yesterday with Best Friend (and also took a shower last night). The left-over energy of connecting with and being with other people is brightening me today; yesterday it made me think today could be a very productive day. (There's no good color for it. I wanted it to be bright green but also easily readable but as you see, even with bold it's still off.) I slept a good bit last night (too much, in fact) but I got up today and ate an orange (good) and put clothes in the wash (better). But then I sat down here at the computer and started reading articles and now I've been doing that for three hours and the articles are just multiplying like hydra's heads as I click on this article and this article and try to read them and close them but then "ooh! This looks good..." It never ends. (Which, conversely, would be a good idea for an ad for reading: "Reading: It Never Ends.") One of my major problems in the world is all the information that I cannot take in. I would like to know everything (or close to it; maybe 65%) but there's no chance of that. I can't read/hear/see it all and - of course - sometimes I get bored or uninterested and want to do something else; only I don't have a concept of "doing something else" and so I go to sleep or something like that. Those are probably the times I should be working out, or cooking, or cleaning or ironing or going downtown. Those are the times for action.
Ugh.
Tuesday, February 07, 2012
Here's a failblog entry for ya: You know what I could have been doing all these empty days when I'm at home? Learning to cook! Duuuu-uuuh! Nice one, dumbass!
That came to me the other day.
I'm actually excited right now. You know why? 'Cause I have an appointment tomorrow, which means I have a set point in time that creates pressure on all my other time! It's a deadline! It's pressure! It creates conflict! But it's outside of my control, so I can't just let it slide and ignore it! See how excited I am?!? [smiley face!] It's stupid!!
It's annoying how good it makes me feel to have something to do; and it [sing-song voice] just confirms all the aphorisms about having something to do, et cetera, et cetera! [shakes head]
Man, this is dumb. I spent Wednesday, Thursday and Friday of last week having miserable days - and I can't ignore Saturday and Sunday, too. Saturday was worse than Sunday, since I showered on Sunday. But my failure to just fucking clean my clothes! meant that I couldn't (read: wouldn't) leave the house yesterday or today.
Today's big victory was that I didn't watch TV all day; I actually read for an hour or so. (Whoopee! [confetti])
Ah, it's all just silly. Or stupid. Or ridiculous. Or craven, cowardly, weak, pathetic, etc - any self-destructive adjective you wanna use. I gotta get over myself. It's so stupid and unhappy to be home all day doing nothing. I should be doing something so that at least I'll feel a little bit good about myself. I guess I just feel... Here's my thing: it seems like everything has to be perfect and super-efficient these days, so there's no room for the slacker. You have to be the perfect corporate employee, the best user of time, the most competent human; I can't fucking do that shit. I can't live up to that. So where's my place? What am I supposed to do? ("Become an alcoholic," whispers my evil mind.)
God, I need to change my mindset.
Oh, speaking of which; here was a revelation I had last night: People like me don't believe in the future, which means we have a lousy attitude, which means we can't get motivated to do the things that would improve our health, both mentally and physically. People who do believe in the future are naturally motivated toward it and so are drawn forward by their goals and hope. They are like two circles that exist next to each other and move in opposite directions. I don't know how you get from one to the other except through depression (from good to bad).
That came to me the other day.
I'm actually excited right now. You know why? 'Cause I have an appointment tomorrow, which means I have a set point in time that creates pressure on all my other time! It's a deadline! It's pressure! It creates conflict! But it's outside of my control, so I can't just let it slide and ignore it! See how excited I am?!? [smiley face!] It's stupid!!
It's annoying how good it makes me feel to have something to do; and it [sing-song voice] just confirms all the aphorisms about having something to do, et cetera, et cetera! [shakes head]
Man, this is dumb. I spent Wednesday, Thursday and Friday of last week having miserable days - and I can't ignore Saturday and Sunday, too. Saturday was worse than Sunday, since I showered on Sunday. But my failure to just fucking clean my clothes! meant that I couldn't (read: wouldn't) leave the house yesterday or today.
Today's big victory was that I didn't watch TV all day; I actually read for an hour or so. (Whoopee! [confetti])
Ah, it's all just silly. Or stupid. Or ridiculous. Or craven, cowardly, weak, pathetic, etc - any self-destructive adjective you wanna use. I gotta get over myself. It's so stupid and unhappy to be home all day doing nothing. I should be doing something so that at least I'll feel a little bit good about myself. I guess I just feel... Here's my thing: it seems like everything has to be perfect and super-efficient these days, so there's no room for the slacker. You have to be the perfect corporate employee, the best user of time, the most competent human; I can't fucking do that shit. I can't live up to that. So where's my place? What am I supposed to do? ("Become an alcoholic," whispers my evil mind.)
God, I need to change my mindset.
Oh, speaking of which; here was a revelation I had last night: People like me don't believe in the future, which means we have a lousy attitude, which means we can't get motivated to do the things that would improve our health, both mentally and physically. People who do believe in the future are naturally motivated toward it and so are drawn forward by their goals and hope. They are like two circles that exist next to each other and move in opposite directions. I don't know how you get from one to the other except through depression (from good to bad).