I have not felt older than I just did in the past ten minutes. I just scrubbed a small portion of my brother's kitchen floor.
I did it because there was a spill of soda that I had almost stepped in earlier and it still hadn't been wiped up. So I wiped that up. When I bent down to wipe it up....oof...did I feel like the fattest lumbering beast about.
Since I had already started, I decided to wipe up some of the other stickiness on the floor. Instantly my knees started to hurt and getting up and down was a serious chore. I don't know if it's my sore back (which is less sore) or what but I feel all beat up. I guess I'm not usually picking up toddlers and throwing them around - and that toddler might as well be a medicine ball for all the weight compacted into his little body.
On the other hand, today was a pretty good day. I slept for six or seven hours, got up, took a shower and went for a walk - all before noon! When I got back from the walk and looked at my watch and it was 11-something, I was like "What?!" It's confusing to be up and active before noon. (Or at least it seems like it. Maybe it was just that I didn't know what I was going to do with all the rest of my time.)
Later I went to the store and bought some stuff for me and some stuff for them. I got some cleaning supplies for the bathroom job and some razors (for me, but there's 12 and I'll leave them, so it's a good bet they might use them) as well as some groceries (which I'm steadily eating into). I could have tried to do some more cleaning but I was hampered by the fact that I'm still in my same eating mode, which means I eat too much and then go to sleep. I ate something at noon or one and then went to sleep until four - but then I took another walk!! (tippy-toe happy clap)* So that was a plus.
I communicated with my siblings briefly (because they had contacted me) and I sent some funny things to one of my brothers, which I hope he (and my sister) appreciated. I didn't really speak to them at the Christmas Day party at my cousin's and I haven't spoken to them since, so my track record isn't great. I would like to speak to them more (for all the negativity I've spewed about them recently) but I have to be in a positive, secure place to do so and I'm not there right now.
My phone reminders have been going off and I've just been ignoring them. If I'm not doing "work" work while here, the least I could do is work on my own projects in order to check some personal things off. But I've been skipping that, too (except for helping to upload some pictures to my sister-in-law's blog).
Anyway, I just wanted to express my feeling old (yet another reason I need to work out, I told myself) and about how I had a pretty decent day in terms of regular accomplishments (taking a shower can be a big deal sometimes), so that's what I came here to tell you. Now back to the TV.
:) Ciao!
*You know, like yuppie girls do in the movies.
Where I Reveal Myself To You In Terrible Ways
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
My brother's been drinking. It's amazing to me how sensitive I am about it. The reason, though, as far as I can tell, is because it means he's angrier and more unhappy. I can sense this is vibe coming off him that says "The world is fucked and never treats me fair; fuck everything." So anything that sets him off is just going to get him spiraling into a bad mood. So far that was that he couldn't get his Wii remote to work for a game his son was playing with him. "It's not fun anymore, so I don't want to play," is what he essentially said. Didn't give the game a chance; didn't look for a workaround, just dismissed it out of hand. I'm five feet away but fuck all if I'm going to speak up; I don't want to start the torrent of negativity.
It's funny, 'cause I'm a negative guy; I've been scrolling around Facebook wanting to comment on people's statuses saying negative shit about Christmas or the Christian foundations (like, when some Texas guy shoots his family while dressed as Santa, I want to post the story with the line: "Jesus is the reason for the season!"). But that goes to a whole problem I have with gratitude and thankfulness and accepting positivity. On the surface, my brother seems to accept positivity but I feel like - underneath - he's much darker and has a horrible attitude about life and everything.
We're a strange Janus: I'm miserable about everything but anything that cheers me up or is unexpected makes me happy; for him anything that goes off course is a reason to be angry or say "fuck it."
Wait: that's not true. I remember when I was working and some slight thing would go wrong - the copier would jam two or three times; something wouldn't print right - I would lose my shit and want to destroy everything in the room and burn down the whole building. But I never felt like I unleashed that anger on everyone around me. Maybe it was because I worked in a different kind of environment; maybe I had it easy because my work didn't follow me home or stay with me and I was never the supervisor of anything (of consequence, anyhow).
In any case, I don't like my brother when he's been drinking. He may project a happy-go-lucky attitude and be extra loving with his family (which I feel is cheap because it's "fake") but there is a dark cloud just waiting to come through. I recognize it from my father.
And of course there's the real key/question: How much of my behavior is conditioned by my father? His anger always felt physical (as does my brother; as I suppose mine would, as well) and I was always afraid of it because it was explosive and seemed dangerous. He never beat us but I certainly felt like his angry words streaked across the room like tracer bullets, leaving lines of fire in the air.
I just don't like people when they're drunk. Or maybe it's just him. Or maybe it's just angry people. I don't know. I just don't like the fear I feel around his anger.
(P.S. I was thinking that, ironically, when he's drunk and the darkness bleeds through; I'd rather be around somebody who thinks life is a wonderful gift and everything's a field of flowers. I think that's all bullshit but I'd rather be around it and tease it than be around someone who just thinks the world is a shitty place that no one can be happy in. [I think all kinds of people can be happy; just not me.])
It's funny, 'cause I'm a negative guy; I've been scrolling around Facebook wanting to comment on people's statuses saying negative shit about Christmas or the Christian foundations (like, when some Texas guy shoots his family while dressed as Santa, I want to post the story with the line: "Jesus is the reason for the season!"). But that goes to a whole problem I have with gratitude and thankfulness and accepting positivity. On the surface, my brother seems to accept positivity but I feel like - underneath - he's much darker and has a horrible attitude about life and everything.
We're a strange Janus: I'm miserable about everything but anything that cheers me up or is unexpected makes me happy; for him anything that goes off course is a reason to be angry or say "fuck it."
Wait: that's not true. I remember when I was working and some slight thing would go wrong - the copier would jam two or three times; something wouldn't print right - I would lose my shit and want to destroy everything in the room and burn down the whole building. But I never felt like I unleashed that anger on everyone around me. Maybe it was because I worked in a different kind of environment; maybe I had it easy because my work didn't follow me home or stay with me and I was never the supervisor of anything (of consequence, anyhow).
In any case, I don't like my brother when he's been drinking. He may project a happy-go-lucky attitude and be extra loving with his family (which I feel is cheap because it's "fake") but there is a dark cloud just waiting to come through. I recognize it from my father.
And of course there's the real key/question: How much of my behavior is conditioned by my father? His anger always felt physical (as does my brother; as I suppose mine would, as well) and I was always afraid of it because it was explosive and seemed dangerous. He never beat us but I certainly felt like his angry words streaked across the room like tracer bullets, leaving lines of fire in the air.
I just don't like people when they're drunk. Or maybe it's just him. Or maybe it's just angry people. I don't know. I just don't like the fear I feel around his anger.
(P.S. I was thinking that, ironically, when he's drunk and the darkness bleeds through; I'd rather be around somebody who thinks life is a wonderful gift and everything's a field of flowers. I think that's all bullshit but I'd rather be around it and tease it than be around someone who just thinks the world is a shitty place that no one can be happy in. [I think all kinds of people can be happy; just not me.])
Random Pictures
At Thanksgiving, I was trying to explain to my brother where the countries in the Middle East were located, specifically Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan and India. This is a rough map I drew on my niece's back based on what my memory told me.
This is my niece's torso.
This is a different shot of her torso; if you're thinking that's her nipple in the bottom left corner, it's not. It's a bruise. (She had no idea where she got it, of course.)I don't know why I took the pictures; maybe just because I could. (She was asleep on my lap.) Partially, though, I think I wanted to capture the odd skin wrinkling around her fat. I find it odd and gross and it seems like something you'd find on someone who just lost 80 pounds or something, not a kid in the 2nd grade. (Or is it 3rd? I'm not sure.)
I'm up too late and my eyes are tired but I'm hitting my stride in one way. I've started a load of wash; I folded what was in the dryer; I noticed there is lint stuck to the sides and outer rim of the washer basket and I'm going to try to wipe/scrape that off; and I've got a big black cat sitting here on the desk looking for some love from me. I thought I had some blank CDs so that I could download what was on my memory card but it turns out they all have work information on them, so that's a wash. I could download stuff to their computer but I'm trying to figure out how to save it for me. (Hmm. Maybe I could download it to the computer and then upload it to another card of mine - if I have a blank one of similar size. Hmmm. I like that idea. I'll have to look into it.)
I always like to make a tangible difference in my sister-in-law's life because I feel like she doesn't ask for help and seems to feel like she doesn't deserve it and she totally does. I'm trying to do things without being asked when everyone is asleep or somewhere else like cleaning the table or emptying the dishwasher. Tonight I'm doing wash (towels) and I'd actually like to do the table and maybe wash some plates as well (skip the dishwasher and just wash and dry them and empty the sink; that would be awesome). Unfortunately my back is a bit sore; I'm not sure if it's from having slept wrong or because I was picking up the baby (38"; 38# - "a pound for every inch," my sister-in-law said) and throwing him around. (I made some video of me throwing him onto the couch; the kid is practically indestructible and loves it: the higher you can throw him, the better. "Mo pease," he says, coming to me with his arms raised and looking to be picked up again. I love how soft his skin is and the sound of his giggle. He's just so much fun.
It's times like these I think to myself: if I were to exercise more, maybe I'd have more strength and stamina for doing things with the kids. The older kids want me to wrap them up in a blanket and pick them up and throw them on the couch (a game I made up years ago) and I can barely lift the 7-yr-old. Even the 4-year-old is a pain. The 11-year-old wants to play, too, but that is a lost cause. I've tried a couple times in the past year and noo way. Like I say, I can barely raise the 7-yr-old. It was fine when she was five but she's too tall to ride this ride now.
When this week is over, I'll be going home to....nothing. If Divorce Friend isn't dead, she wants my help. (She texted and emailed me at the end of last week looking for help and I told her I was here and wasn't really worrying about being connected and since then it's been radio silence. I texted her Christmas Day but have heard nothing; assuming she doesn't resent me, she's gone into a deep depression and is physically ill and can't function. I'm sure I'll find out come next week.) Helping her is now a depression activity because her problems are just too huge to solve and I don't have the wherewithal to help her. I'm not a divorce attorney, don't know any and can't hire one to advise me on how to advise her.
In other news (ADD alert), I read an article on dental health today and thought about how much I don't take care of my teeth and wondered what kind of condition they're in. As is usual when I'm here, I'm barely taking care of myself at all and have brushed only once or twice. I need to start doing it really regularly. (I thought of all this because I glimpsed a floss packet I've been carrying with me lately.)
The real work for when I get home is finding a job. Maybe there are jobs to be had that I can find relatively easily but they're probably in sectors I don't feel comfortable in, namely hospitality. I saw an ad in the window of a cafe a couple of weeks ago that said "Now Hiring." I went there last week after seeing the therapist (because that's one of the things we're trying to work on; me getting a job) and I just couldn't go in. I was overwhelmed by feelings of paranoia and shame; I thought everyone was looking at me and thought I was a loser. And this was from outside the place. I saw one guy sitting at a table by the window and thought he looked at me and suddenly my imagination painted this picture of him watching me walk all the way in and knowing why I was there and somehow finding me pathetic for it. As I said to the doctor, it makes no sense when I think about it because tons of people are out of work and no one begrudges someone looking for a job but for some reason in that moment I was deeply ashamed and had to flee.
(As a side note, I came up with one of [what I think of as] my brilliant ideas while I was there. Some homeless people were lying outside a shop next door [that's a strange place; it's like a clapboard structure built on the corner of a city block next to a multi-story office building] and I thought to myself: There are a lot of empty storefronts at the moment. What if we designated a couple as warm, safe spaces for the homeless to sleep at night so they wouldn't have to sleep outside? No furniture; maybe a bathroom [so they don't just piss/shit on the floor] but just a place out of the wind and cold for the overnight; say 9pm to 5am. I was quite impressed with the idea but knew that retail/business minds would never go for it. [Hey - maybe they could cover the windows so no one would know what was going on. That might free up some of the stigma. Have it located between businesses that close early and open late {banks, for instance} so that the odds of seeing them there would drop dramatically.] I really should run this by someone; maybe the mayor. Ha!)
So going home will be no fun. Although I'm a kind of extra appendage or something here (teeth in the skull; the appendix; a skin tag); I still have uses now and again even if I do sleep all day. Can't really get paid for it but I still feel like I'm contributing. At home I rarely do what I need to do and it's all for myself, so I don't feel like I'm really helping anything or anyone. Maybe if I went out more or found a way to volunteer once a week that would change things. That's something I really need to work on. (I've been talking about it since September.)
Maybe if Divorce Friend wasn't so fundamentally depressed, I would/could take more joy out of helping her but as it is, half of what she needs is emotional support and I can't really give it because I want her to make some hard choices that she just can't make and so I have no sympathy for her. I was thinking that I should try to find or outline for her a system of values that doesn't focus on God so that she can focus on something positive or have a reason to maintain her values even her faith in the Almighty is slipping. I don't really believe myself (or at least I don't act like it) so for me it's easy to talk about. It's all theoretical to me.
I suppose I should make a task list for when I get home, like: Get to the gym the first week. Go out each day, regardless of what can be accomplished. Call the local church and see if I can help out (while I'm not necessarily a believer, I do acknowledge churches as community centers and places where good works often start).
Ok, focus dissipating. Time to close.
I always like to make a tangible difference in my sister-in-law's life because I feel like she doesn't ask for help and seems to feel like she doesn't deserve it and she totally does. I'm trying to do things without being asked when everyone is asleep or somewhere else like cleaning the table or emptying the dishwasher. Tonight I'm doing wash (towels) and I'd actually like to do the table and maybe wash some plates as well (skip the dishwasher and just wash and dry them and empty the sink; that would be awesome). Unfortunately my back is a bit sore; I'm not sure if it's from having slept wrong or because I was picking up the baby (38"; 38# - "a pound for every inch," my sister-in-law said) and throwing him around. (I made some video of me throwing him onto the couch; the kid is practically indestructible and loves it: the higher you can throw him, the better. "Mo pease," he says, coming to me with his arms raised and looking to be picked up again. I love how soft his skin is and the sound of his giggle. He's just so much fun.
It's times like these I think to myself: if I were to exercise more, maybe I'd have more strength and stamina for doing things with the kids. The older kids want me to wrap them up in a blanket and pick them up and throw them on the couch (a game I made up years ago) and I can barely lift the 7-yr-old. Even the 4-year-old is a pain. The 11-year-old wants to play, too, but that is a lost cause. I've tried a couple times in the past year and noo way. Like I say, I can barely raise the 7-yr-old. It was fine when she was five but she's too tall to ride this ride now.
When this week is over, I'll be going home to....nothing. If Divorce Friend isn't dead, she wants my help. (She texted and emailed me at the end of last week looking for help and I told her I was here and wasn't really worrying about being connected and since then it's been radio silence. I texted her Christmas Day but have heard nothing; assuming she doesn't resent me, she's gone into a deep depression and is physically ill and can't function. I'm sure I'll find out come next week.) Helping her is now a depression activity because her problems are just too huge to solve and I don't have the wherewithal to help her. I'm not a divorce attorney, don't know any and can't hire one to advise me on how to advise her.
In other news (ADD alert), I read an article on dental health today and thought about how much I don't take care of my teeth and wondered what kind of condition they're in. As is usual when I'm here, I'm barely taking care of myself at all and have brushed only once or twice. I need to start doing it really regularly. (I thought of all this because I glimpsed a floss packet I've been carrying with me lately.)
The real work for when I get home is finding a job. Maybe there are jobs to be had that I can find relatively easily but they're probably in sectors I don't feel comfortable in, namely hospitality. I saw an ad in the window of a cafe a couple of weeks ago that said "Now Hiring." I went there last week after seeing the therapist (because that's one of the things we're trying to work on; me getting a job) and I just couldn't go in. I was overwhelmed by feelings of paranoia and shame; I thought everyone was looking at me and thought I was a loser. And this was from outside the place. I saw one guy sitting at a table by the window and thought he looked at me and suddenly my imagination painted this picture of him watching me walk all the way in and knowing why I was there and somehow finding me pathetic for it. As I said to the doctor, it makes no sense when I think about it because tons of people are out of work and no one begrudges someone looking for a job but for some reason in that moment I was deeply ashamed and had to flee.
(As a side note, I came up with one of [what I think of as] my brilliant ideas while I was there. Some homeless people were lying outside a shop next door [that's a strange place; it's like a clapboard structure built on the corner of a city block next to a multi-story office building] and I thought to myself: There are a lot of empty storefronts at the moment. What if we designated a couple as warm, safe spaces for the homeless to sleep at night so they wouldn't have to sleep outside? No furniture; maybe a bathroom [so they don't just piss/shit on the floor] but just a place out of the wind and cold for the overnight; say 9pm to 5am. I was quite impressed with the idea but knew that retail/business minds would never go for it. [Hey - maybe they could cover the windows so no one would know what was going on. That might free up some of the stigma. Have it located between businesses that close early and open late {banks, for instance} so that the odds of seeing them there would drop dramatically.] I really should run this by someone; maybe the mayor. Ha!)
So going home will be no fun. Although I'm a kind of extra appendage or something here (teeth in the skull; the appendix; a skin tag); I still have uses now and again even if I do sleep all day. Can't really get paid for it but I still feel like I'm contributing. At home I rarely do what I need to do and it's all for myself, so I don't feel like I'm really helping anything or anyone. Maybe if I went out more or found a way to volunteer once a week that would change things. That's something I really need to work on. (I've been talking about it since September.)
Maybe if Divorce Friend wasn't so fundamentally depressed, I would/could take more joy out of helping her but as it is, half of what she needs is emotional support and I can't really give it because I want her to make some hard choices that she just can't make and so I have no sympathy for her. I was thinking that I should try to find or outline for her a system of values that doesn't focus on God so that she can focus on something positive or have a reason to maintain her values even her faith in the Almighty is slipping. I don't really believe myself (or at least I don't act like it) so for me it's easy to talk about. It's all theoretical to me.
I suppose I should make a task list for when I get home, like: Get to the gym the first week. Go out each day, regardless of what can be accomplished. Call the local church and see if I can help out (while I'm not necessarily a believer, I do acknowledge churches as community centers and places where good works often start).
Ok, focus dissipating. Time to close.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
A couple of weeks ago, I was having an argument with my brother where I was trying to tell him about Aristotle's writings and how he posited that being happy was the best goal in life and that the best way to do that was to live a good life. In talking about this idea, I described how he spoke of those that try to please themselves physically and how it generally doesn't work out (leading to addiction or the like).
I've been thinking about this every time I eat something that's considered a "treat" food that I've gotten myself. When I'm drinking soda but am not really getting the kick from it (but rather the "furry teeth" feel),, when I'm eating cookies that I felt compelled to get down but know I don't really want. I was doing both last night. I had a half-cup of Sprite and a package of Nutter Butters and I probably would have been better off with a glass of water and some salad or celery or something but I don't generally have those on hand (and neither does my brother).
This is something I should keep in mind all the time. I should constantly be thinking about how I'm living my life and whether the short-term gain I think I'm getting is going to pay off later; be it just hours later or days later or years later.
Today I slept most of the day after being up all night. But I didn't need to sleep all day; I woke up at 9:30 or 10 after going to sleep at 5am and I could have survived on that amount of sleep for a while. I should have taken a shower and thought about some tasks I could have done. Cleaning the van was out because it was raining out and I don't own a raincoat (neither do my brother and sister-in-law, that I know of) and I couldn't manipulate the vacuum hose and an umbrella at the same time.
Still, it would have been good to get out of the house maybe; go to a store and buy a gift or two for my nieces and nephews or get some clothes that I need. Of course today was a perfect day not to go out; it's rainy and cold and grey; a total attitude-killer.
I've been thinking about this every time I eat something that's considered a "treat" food that I've gotten myself. When I'm drinking soda but am not really getting the kick from it (but rather the "furry teeth" feel),, when I'm eating cookies that I felt compelled to get down but know I don't really want. I was doing both last night. I had a half-cup of Sprite and a package of Nutter Butters and I probably would have been better off with a glass of water and some salad or celery or something but I don't generally have those on hand (and neither does my brother).
This is something I should keep in mind all the time. I should constantly be thinking about how I'm living my life and whether the short-term gain I think I'm getting is going to pay off later; be it just hours later or days later or years later.
Today I slept most of the day after being up all night. But I didn't need to sleep all day; I woke up at 9:30 or 10 after going to sleep at 5am and I could have survived on that amount of sleep for a while. I should have taken a shower and thought about some tasks I could have done. Cleaning the van was out because it was raining out and I don't own a raincoat (neither do my brother and sister-in-law, that I know of) and I couldn't manipulate the vacuum hose and an umbrella at the same time.
Still, it would have been good to get out of the house maybe; go to a store and buy a gift or two for my nieces and nephews or get some clothes that I need. Of course today was a perfect day not to go out; it's rainy and cold and grey; a total attitude-killer.
It's hard to sleep in this house. I didn't take a shower today, so I feel dirty and so does the house. I keep thinking about the fact that the couch was wet earlier today from where my cup of melted ice had fallen on it last night/this morning and how the other couch had a wet spot on it a day or so ago. There's a pillow on the downstairs couch - is that the one my niece said "smelled like pee" a few days ago? What in this house is actually clean??
I also keep having that squirrelly feeling, like a need to spaz out and claw at the air suddenly. I think part of it is the feeling of being surrounded by uncleanliness but part of it is also this strange problem with sleeping. Because I don't have a comfortable place to sleep, I can't sleep. I can't relax. I think about it but it's hard to do. I'm thinking I might stay up and put on another TV show or movie instead. It's not what I want, exactly, but I just don't feel comfortable laying down anywhere. If only I could clean everything...
I was thinking tonight about how I'd like to get a steam cleaner and do the stairs - or pay for it to be done. Then I'd want them to do the couches and then I'd feel comfortable sleeping on them. We were talking about bedbugs yesterday,, that didn't help.
My own house isn't clean,, I didn't wash my sheets for the first five years I lived there. I sleep on the couch there all the time and I don't think the cover of the futon has been laundered in I don't know how long. But the couch is never wet and there aren't any children around, so the possible wetness wouldn't be pee. Plus the rest of the house is in pretty neat condition, so there's no fear of bugs or whatever. We've had mice from time to time and I've had minor freak outs about them (worrying one was going to run across me while I was sleeping) but it was only once or twice.
Here the whole house is constantly a mess - the table needs to be wiped down, there are dirty dishes in the sink, there's crap all over the floor in most rooms, the carpet on the stairs is stained and black in some places - the house just has a dirty feel - and when it comes time to sleep, I can't always do it so easily, even though I know I need it.
Right now I'm thinking I should clear my crap off the guest bed and go to sleep there but I just don't want the hassle or moving everything. What I should do is look for a clean sheet to put on the couch here in the downstairs and bring a pillow or two out of my bedroom. That would be a good answer. Maybe I'll do that.
I also keep having that squirrelly feeling, like a need to spaz out and claw at the air suddenly. I think part of it is the feeling of being surrounded by uncleanliness but part of it is also this strange problem with sleeping. Because I don't have a comfortable place to sleep, I can't sleep. I can't relax. I think about it but it's hard to do. I'm thinking I might stay up and put on another TV show or movie instead. It's not what I want, exactly, but I just don't feel comfortable laying down anywhere. If only I could clean everything...
I was thinking tonight about how I'd like to get a steam cleaner and do the stairs - or pay for it to be done. Then I'd want them to do the couches and then I'd feel comfortable sleeping on them. We were talking about bedbugs yesterday,, that didn't help.
My own house isn't clean,, I didn't wash my sheets for the first five years I lived there. I sleep on the couch there all the time and I don't think the cover of the futon has been laundered in I don't know how long. But the couch is never wet and there aren't any children around, so the possible wetness wouldn't be pee. Plus the rest of the house is in pretty neat condition, so there's no fear of bugs or whatever. We've had mice from time to time and I've had minor freak outs about them (worrying one was going to run across me while I was sleeping) but it was only once or twice.
Here the whole house is constantly a mess - the table needs to be wiped down, there are dirty dishes in the sink, there's crap all over the floor in most rooms, the carpet on the stairs is stained and black in some places - the house just has a dirty feel - and when it comes time to sleep, I can't always do it so easily, even though I know I need it.
Right now I'm thinking I should clear my crap off the guest bed and go to sleep there but I just don't want the hassle or moving everything. What I should do is look for a clean sheet to put on the couch here in the downstairs and bring a pillow or two out of my bedroom. That would be a good answer. Maybe I'll do that.
Monday, December 19, 2011
I had dinner with my brother (and his wife and my sister) tonight and I don't think he looked at me once. He looked at my sister and at his wife (directly across from him and next to him, respectively) but - wait. Now that I think of it, he went to refill drinks at one point and asked if I wanted a refill. But that was the only time. He spent most of the time focused on my sister. Granted, she's just in town for the holidays and was sitting across from him but...
I can't say I'm innocent. When he joined us I don't think I greeted him or said anything to him and as we went into the restaurant I just ignored him. I'm uncomfortable around him pretty much and will be until I can get my own finances in order and feel like I won't have to rely on him for anything at any point. In the meantime I feel like I'm an open target for judgement and as much as I hate it I don't have any real argument against it. I'm doing everything wrong and haven't sacrificed for shit (whereas most of his life is sacrifice. I don't think it's necessary to the degree he's doing it but he's bowing low to provide stability and confidence for his future).
It's depressing to be locked in this stalemate and I didn't even want to go to his house (where my sister is staying) today because his energy would be there. She was upset with me, too, when I called and acted like I didn't remember we had scheduled to do something today. "Just pretend I'm an alcoholic," I wanted to say to her, because the truth is most of my behavior fits that pattern. I went to dinner with them and had a small portion and one glass of soda and then came home and went to McDonalds and ate a bunch of crap that's going to feel horrible coming out the other end tomorrow. (Side note: is it bad that every so often taking a shit makes you cry?)
I wish they would write me off but then I would have to forfeit ever asking them for help and as much as I'd like to do that, I still want that option open so that I don't have to give up everything if I don't find work in the next two months.
I had the "pay them off" fantasy again today when my sister-in-law mentioned crap that I have in their basement and how they're going to throw it away. How I wish I could show up in a 740i and take my stuff out and leave them a bag of shrink-wrapped $100 bills to the tune of one hundred thousand dollars and they could have their money and kiss any contact goodbye. I don't know who I'd talk to then but I guess I could find new people.
God I hate money. I'm just too stupid and lazy to be useful on this fucking planet and I hate it sometimes.
I can't say I'm innocent. When he joined us I don't think I greeted him or said anything to him and as we went into the restaurant I just ignored him. I'm uncomfortable around him pretty much and will be until I can get my own finances in order and feel like I won't have to rely on him for anything at any point. In the meantime I feel like I'm an open target for judgement and as much as I hate it I don't have any real argument against it. I'm doing everything wrong and haven't sacrificed for shit (whereas most of his life is sacrifice. I don't think it's necessary to the degree he's doing it but he's bowing low to provide stability and confidence for his future).
It's depressing to be locked in this stalemate and I didn't even want to go to his house (where my sister is staying) today because his energy would be there. She was upset with me, too, when I called and acted like I didn't remember we had scheduled to do something today. "Just pretend I'm an alcoholic," I wanted to say to her, because the truth is most of my behavior fits that pattern. I went to dinner with them and had a small portion and one glass of soda and then came home and went to McDonalds and ate a bunch of crap that's going to feel horrible coming out the other end tomorrow. (Side note: is it bad that every so often taking a shit makes you cry?)
I wish they would write me off but then I would have to forfeit ever asking them for help and as much as I'd like to do that, I still want that option open so that I don't have to give up everything if I don't find work in the next two months.
I had the "pay them off" fantasy again today when my sister-in-law mentioned crap that I have in their basement and how they're going to throw it away. How I wish I could show up in a 740i and take my stuff out and leave them a bag of shrink-wrapped $100 bills to the tune of one hundred thousand dollars and they could have their money and kiss any contact goodbye. I don't know who I'd talk to then but I guess I could find new people.
God I hate money. I'm just too stupid and lazy to be useful on this fucking planet and I hate it sometimes.
Dear Internet - Here's what I'm doing now.
1) Not sleeping at night. It's 3:46am on the East Coast (where I live) and I'm still up. Of course, I slept for a few hours this afternoon, so I'm not necessarily sleepy. Also: the smoke detector in my room might beep if I take it out from under my pillow, so I'm not going to chance it.
2) On Wednesday I'm supposed to go to my brother's in another state. I'm not really prepared, although I did some wash today.
3) Not working on getting a job. I need a job, I should get a job, I would like a job but I'm not doing anything to get one. Stupid.
4) I had a Christmas list but I waited too long and the things I really wanted to buy are sold out. Not that I should be spending money but still. I guess it's sort of good because I can spend some money on groceries at my brother's.
5) I'm just lost. I'm not moving toward anything; I'm just floating in a limbo of nothing. I have these wonderful ideas (my babies) but no one to give them to; I don't trust anyone or myself to be heard. I don't have any sense of the future or what my role is. All I know is that whatever I do, it will probably take lots and lots of work. Focus and work.
1) Not sleeping at night. It's 3:46am on the East Coast (where I live) and I'm still up. Of course, I slept for a few hours this afternoon, so I'm not necessarily sleepy. Also: the smoke detector in my room might beep if I take it out from under my pillow, so I'm not going to chance it.
2) On Wednesday I'm supposed to go to my brother's in another state. I'm not really prepared, although I did some wash today.
3) Not working on getting a job. I need a job, I should get a job, I would like a job but I'm not doing anything to get one. Stupid.
4) I had a Christmas list but I waited too long and the things I really wanted to buy are sold out. Not that I should be spending money but still. I guess it's sort of good because I can spend some money on groceries at my brother's.
5) I'm just lost. I'm not moving toward anything; I'm just floating in a limbo of nothing. I have these wonderful ideas (my babies) but no one to give them to; I don't trust anyone or myself to be heard. I don't have any sense of the future or what my role is. All I know is that whatever I do, it will probably take lots and lots of work. Focus and work.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Social Influence
I have this dream of being someone who has a wide field of influence but I was brought up short recently when I read a Forbes blog post about people who have massive social influence (maybe not in the fields/arenas I think of) and they were all PR people who had thousands of thousands of online friends and I know that I myself am reluctant to add people on Facebook. I think I have a couple over 200 and that's a fine number; I don't keep track of them as much as I feel I should anyway.
Here's the kind of thing that I'd want to have influence for:
Tonight on "60 Minutes" they had a piece on foreclosures and tear downs in the Cleveland, Ohio area. They talked about neighborhoods that were full of vacant houses and how it was terrible for those neighborhoods.
I wanted to solve that problem. Maybe it's a guy thing, to always want to solve a problem. I came at it three different ways.
1. What if there was a viewers group that came together to give to causes that were shown on the show? What if 150,000 people that watched the show gave $2 to a fund that paid off a couple of those homes? (Is that unfair? Of course it's unfair; maybe there is no fairness possible - or maybe the idea and subsequent news stories about what they've done will provide motion for others to form similar groups to try to work on other regions. That would be my hope.) One of the homes was said to be $50,000 underwater; another $150,000 underwater. With just $2, this group could pay off both of those homes, making a huge difference to those people.
And it wouldn't have to work like that; it could be $10- to $20,000 to each of 5 or ten homeowners. (I think there were 8 or so featured.) Just to make a sudden and huge difference in those people's lives with the small effort of a huge group (which could be ten times the number I thought of) would be a great action (and a great story that would hopefully get picked up).
2. I'd love for ....uh...what's his face....(Clarence Clemmons? No)...the basketball player from Ohio to take up the cause. (I can see his face, I just can't come up with his name.) Lebron James. (I had to look him up. Pathetic.)
In any case, what if he took up the cause and spent $100- to $200,000 to either A) buy the abandoned homes and let people live in them for little money or B) give relief to homeowners underwater in a couple of hard-hit neighborhoods.
To expand it, what if he asked his teammates to chip in and was able to really make a difference in three or four neighborhoods? What if he bought people's mortgages and renegotiated their terms; giving them an extra ten years to pay off their loans and lowering their rates? What if they showed up the banks by renegotiating a bunch of people's loans and improving the picture in those neighborhoods?
What if they bought a bunch of the vacant homes and filled them with people - people who had been homeless, artist communities, returning vets with nowhere to go? What if they turned this story from a tragedy into a story of hope? What if they showed a kind of charity that shamed a lot of other people?
3. What about the Ohio football team? Is there just one now or are their still two? Two whole football teams should have a couple of millionaires (and of course the owners) who could contribute to this problem; again, in the ways mentioned above. Why not create a little "Veterans Rehabilitation Village?" Put groups of vets in the homes and let them fix them up as a bit of transition back to American life.
4. Of course, the thing I'd most like to happen (just as a kind of poetic justice) is for the big investment banks to give the houses out as bonuses to their employees (ideally instead of money). I'd love those smart guys to be saddled with the problem they created and have been ignoring this whole time. Let's see those smart guys (or so we've been told by their employers) figure out what to do with them.
I wouldn't expect my influence to cause this to happen but I'd love for a hundred thousand people to call and write to the three biggest (or most notorious) investment banks and leave a message for their presidents voicing that same opinion. Encourage them to suck back up the devastation they unleashed on this country.
That's why I'd like to be an "influencer" (Blogger doesn't recognize it as a word). So that I could possibly have a chance to make waves in the culture of the country, hopefully in a positive way.
Here's the kind of thing that I'd want to have influence for:
Tonight on "60 Minutes" they had a piece on foreclosures and tear downs in the Cleveland, Ohio area. They talked about neighborhoods that were full of vacant houses and how it was terrible for those neighborhoods.
I wanted to solve that problem. Maybe it's a guy thing, to always want to solve a problem. I came at it three different ways.
1. What if there was a viewers group that came together to give to causes that were shown on the show? What if 150,000 people that watched the show gave $2 to a fund that paid off a couple of those homes? (Is that unfair? Of course it's unfair; maybe there is no fairness possible - or maybe the idea and subsequent news stories about what they've done will provide motion for others to form similar groups to try to work on other regions. That would be my hope.) One of the homes was said to be $50,000 underwater; another $150,000 underwater. With just $2, this group could pay off both of those homes, making a huge difference to those people.
And it wouldn't have to work like that; it could be $10- to $20,000 to each of 5 or ten homeowners. (I think there were 8 or so featured.) Just to make a sudden and huge difference in those people's lives with the small effort of a huge group (which could be ten times the number I thought of) would be a great action (and a great story that would hopefully get picked up).
2. I'd love for ....uh...what's his face....(Clarence Clemmons? No)...the basketball player from Ohio to take up the cause. (I can see his face, I just can't come up with his name.) Lebron James. (I had to look him up. Pathetic.)
In any case, what if he took up the cause and spent $100- to $200,000 to either A) buy the abandoned homes and let people live in them for little money or B) give relief to homeowners underwater in a couple of hard-hit neighborhoods.
To expand it, what if he asked his teammates to chip in and was able to really make a difference in three or four neighborhoods? What if he bought people's mortgages and renegotiated their terms; giving them an extra ten years to pay off their loans and lowering their rates? What if they showed up the banks by renegotiating a bunch of people's loans and improving the picture in those neighborhoods?
What if they bought a bunch of the vacant homes and filled them with people - people who had been homeless, artist communities, returning vets with nowhere to go? What if they turned this story from a tragedy into a story of hope? What if they showed a kind of charity that shamed a lot of other people?
3. What about the Ohio football team? Is there just one now or are their still two? Two whole football teams should have a couple of millionaires (and of course the owners) who could contribute to this problem; again, in the ways mentioned above. Why not create a little "Veterans Rehabilitation Village?" Put groups of vets in the homes and let them fix them up as a bit of transition back to American life.
4. Of course, the thing I'd most like to happen (just as a kind of poetic justice) is for the big investment banks to give the houses out as bonuses to their employees (ideally instead of money). I'd love those smart guys to be saddled with the problem they created and have been ignoring this whole time. Let's see those smart guys (or so we've been told by their employers) figure out what to do with them.
I wouldn't expect my influence to cause this to happen but I'd love for a hundred thousand people to call and write to the three biggest (or most notorious) investment banks and leave a message for their presidents voicing that same opinion. Encourage them to suck back up the devastation they unleashed on this country.
That's why I'd like to be an "influencer" (Blogger doesn't recognize it as a word). So that I could possibly have a chance to make waves in the culture of the country, hopefully in a positive way.
Friday, December 09, 2011
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/02/why-do-so-few-blacks-study-the-civil-war/8831/
I have a mixed friend and only because of her influence do I see the subtle and overt racism in myself and in society at large. This essay is a great exercise in scrubbing the scales from white people's eyes.
While reading it, I thought of the trope appeasers always want to bring up: "Africans sold each other into slavery." I want to say to them: "Well, since they're practicing genital mutilation now, that must not be so bad, either! Why don't we copy them?!" To try to let yourself off on a charge of low morality (or total lack thereof) by pointing to some other group's behavior is cowardly and despicable.
Another wake-up call I got recently was watching this speech on C-Span and the orator's remarks on the movie "The Help." It really is eye-opening to see it from a perspective not your own.
www.c-spanvideo.org/program/301205-1
I have a mixed friend and only because of her influence do I see the subtle and overt racism in myself and in society at large. This essay is a great exercise in scrubbing the scales from white people's eyes.
While reading it, I thought of the trope appeasers always want to bring up: "Africans sold each other into slavery." I want to say to them: "Well, since they're practicing genital mutilation now, that must not be so bad, either! Why don't we copy them?!" To try to let yourself off on a charge of low morality (or total lack thereof) by pointing to some other group's behavior is cowardly and despicable.
Another wake-up call I got recently was watching this speech on C-Span and the orator's remarks on the movie "The Help." It really is eye-opening to see it from a perspective not your own.
www.c-spanvideo.org/program/301205-1
Sunday, December 04, 2011
I haven't eaten an apple in days. I didn't eat one today. I was just looking at the bowl of them in the kitchen as I got the phone handset to call for takeout.
I bought two pears the other day (Thursday?). Haven't touched those, either.
I didn't take my vitamins yesterday and I didn't take them today until late in the afternoon. I have a headache and my neck feels stiff. I slept too much today and didn't go outside. Today - or rather tonight - would be a great time to go out dancing. I could use the work out and I think the exercise would release a lot of good endorphins into my body.
I was recently arguing with my brother about philosophy and Aristotle's idea of happiness (or peace) being the goal of life and one of the things I talked about was his discussion of people who live for pleasure and generally find that life unhappy. I see that in myself a lot of times: cheap, greasy food; endless hours of sleep or sloth; not working especially hard or driving myself to carve out a career. But does that make me happy?
Probably not. The hard work is changing patterns of behavior.
I bought two pears the other day (Thursday?). Haven't touched those, either.
I didn't take my vitamins yesterday and I didn't take them today until late in the afternoon. I have a headache and my neck feels stiff. I slept too much today and didn't go outside. Today - or rather tonight - would be a great time to go out dancing. I could use the work out and I think the exercise would release a lot of good endorphins into my body.
I was recently arguing with my brother about philosophy and Aristotle's idea of happiness (or peace) being the goal of life and one of the things I talked about was his discussion of people who live for pleasure and generally find that life unhappy. I see that in myself a lot of times: cheap, greasy food; endless hours of sleep or sloth; not working especially hard or driving myself to carve out a career. But does that make me happy?
Probably not. The hard work is changing patterns of behavior.