Aches & Pains

What if I'm already breaking down? What if I'm suffering the old age trials now, due to my bad upkeep of the facilities?

This morning as I went out of the house, my knee was hurting. It's been doing that sometimes now; I can't remember exactly when it started; maybe Thanksgiving, maybe Christmas. It's not a hurt I've felt before and it feels more "systemic" (or that could just be bullshit I'm telling myself since I saw Louis CK talk about his ankle). I was rushing a bit this morning and I hadn't been awake for very long, so I wondered if that was it; or if it was the fact that I haven't moved much from a sitting position in the last three days (doing it now).

The pain was gone later, after I had been at lunch with friends. It appeared again when I got up from a three hour nap on the couch. So maybe it's a stretching thing; a warming up thing.

The worst thing today was when I was waiting for my friends to show up and my arm started to hurt; just a sharp ache right in the middle of my bicep. "Oh, shit," I thought, "what if I'm having a heart attack??" But maybe I'm just over dramatic. Still, I wonder at the state of my arteries; you hear a lot about the carotids these days. My father had his cleaned after they discovered one was 90% blocked and the other was 70% blocked. He was 60-something at that time but he didn't eat shit food all the time like I do; nor did he drink soda on a regular basis (or ever). I don't know what kind of contribution alcohol made to his health but based on alcohol's general properties, my feeling is it would be more apt to clear things out than clog them up. (Well, aside from the liver, that is.)

The other thing that bothers me on a sometime basis is my ass. I don't know if it's just all the sitting down I'm doing (very probably) but sometimes the way that it aches makes me worry about an old growth I never got fully taken care of and the puncture sites from when I donated marrow some months ago. The growth thing, if it manifested, would be a disaster. Last time it required surgery and one of my brothers said he thought he saw the bill and it was $100,000. I can't do that kind of shit now. (I've been thinking recently that if cancer were to turn up in my system I'd just move in with my younger brother's family and die. Maybe Obamacare could help in some way but I don't think so.

(Although now that I'm thinking of that, that seems cruel. It seems cruel to have his kids witness me die after all the fun we had together; and for their last memories of me to be stinking, disgusting, rotting human. That would be horrifying for them and not nice to put them through. Maybe I could find someone else to take me in.)

I've developed camouflage not unlike a butterfly, meaning that I have four matching dots/spots on my front; two on either side of my belly and two on either side of my boobs (and I do have boobs). I've been looking at them on and off and wondering if they're changing size (because they're red, which to me means danger in the first place) and thinking about how I don't have the money for even a local, dermatological operation to remove them. (I started thinking about how I could do it myself; freezing them with dry ice and snipping them off with nail clippers. Sounds crazy, right? I think these kinds of things.)

Ok, I have to go. I'm supposed to be out right now at a restaurant with my friend but I had to wait for my clothes to dry because I have very few outfits for "going out." This one won't even be very great but that's only because I have a 50 lb pouch of blubber attached to my front that's horribly unattractive.

Talk to you later,
Me