I feel like shit. I'm acting like an alcoholic again. I slept half of today and then went to the store and bought bread and eggs with quarters. Then I went to the Chinese take out and bought fries - also with quarters.

Half (or more) of everything I have (in the way of food) is expired or stale (I've been eating some oatmeal that expired in October [grimace]) and I don't have any money. It's disgusting how little I can handle in the way of adversity. Or how much money controls my mood and behavior. I feel miserable about myself but unable to control my circumstances.

Of course, that's the wrong way to look at things. [Emotional brain qualifies: Some people would say that's the wrong way to look at things.]

I feel like I can't control the fact that I have no money (right now) because I can't get money any faster than I've done so far. And I can't go around just looking for work because I don't have money to take public transportation to go to those places. The contradiction comes when I do have money and I don't go looking anyway. Then I find some excuse not to look and feel depressed about the state of the economy in general (blaming that) and how old and inexperienced I am (blaming that).

The truth is, I don't plan well and I've been avoiding things. When I stayed at my brother's to avoid Divorce Friend, it screwed up my schedule. I had planning to be back and requesting money so that I'd have something to pay bills and live on for this month. But I shrank from my life and stayed there which didn't make things better at all; I felt extra miserable and got sicker (in my head). That sickness is still with me and is making me miserable here - because: what is my future? What am I going to do from here on out? How is my life going to improve; or change, even? (I suppose it could change for the worse pretty easily.)

Every day (of which there have been two when I've not gone out) I feel crushed between my feelings of helplessness and my feelings of responsibility and self-critique ("You should be out there doing something; getting a job, volunteering, visiting people, whatever"; "Other people would be out there getting a job and not sitting at home feeling sorry for themselves!").

I don't know where I am or what's going to happen. The earliest change that I know is going to happen is (hopefully) Friday when I get the money I requested. Then I'll be able to pay some bills and feel "whole" in some way (even though it's temporary). [New thought: maybe money is my version of drugs.] Of course, that money won't last long or cover much and I'll have to request more and soon that'll run out. Then what? What's my plan then? That's what makes me miserable; that I have no long-term plan or stability. There's nothing inside me (or at least that's how I feel) that I can rely on; no faith, no strength, no ability, no courage; I don't know where those things come from; I don't know how to build them.

Again, this is something people would disagree with. A friend told me once: "That's you saying that;" as in: that's not the reality of the situation, that's what you're choosing to believe.

This is all self-criticism again. I was trying to write about the misery to try to purge it somewhat.

I'm having a hard time enjoying anything. I can't stand commercials, which only happens once in a while. Not much is funny and although I come across shows I usually like (even if they're re-runs), I can't watch them. My mind is aware they're re-runs I've seen already and starts sending a heartbeat of criticism through my mind: "You're wasting your time; you're wasting your time; you're wasting your time..."

I think the reason I can't take the commercials is because they speak of a world I can't participate in: I can't buy things or take vacations or go out to eat. I'm not part of the working world anymore. Before I could ignore those things; now they are a critique of my weakness and stupidity. "Other people succeed," they say. "Other people are winners. You are a loser." I think of my friend Matt and his neighbor and friend Dan, who are achievers and think nothing of pushing themselves and succeeding. How different I am from them. (And yet, says the nice part of my brain, they think you are valuable; they like you and think you are worth something.)(They just think I need to push myself. [Separate brackets because the feelings are halfway now.])

The world just feels different now; partially it's my age, partially it's the state of the world and the economy. I think it could be different but who am I? (This is something I need to get over. I have letters I could send. Who knows if they would make a difference but if they did, what could they change? Even if I get no direct benefit from them, the effects could come around to me eventually or in a long way.)

I think I need to cry each day. I shed a few tears just now; maybe that's the benefit in writing these things out, to bring myself to tears, which seems to wash out my mind a little bit. I stayed in too much today; I laid down too much today; I tried to sleep to much today and so I feel bad and my head is woolly and wooden. I don't know what I could or should have done today (aside from spend some more time on the porch in the daylight) but something other than nothing would have been good. As my friend said on Monday: "It's obvious but just do something."