This morning I got up (9:19), brushed my teeth and went for a walk for about 20-25 minutes. That was good for both exercise (kinda) and sunshine intake. But then the day went nowhere. Instead of watching TV all day, I watched British TV all day - well, not completely, because I read some of the old articles I had opened on my computer way back in December before I went to my brother's. But around noon or so I started watching YouTube videos and got sucked into a show that was two or more hours long, cut up into ten minute strips.

At around 3 I started to feel sleepy and was going to take a nap but just as I was going to let myself fall asleep, I decided to set my phone alarm, then I saw texts to respond to and suddenly I was in a terrible mood. I decided to shower early (I'm going to a movie with Best Friend tonight) and when I walked into my room I saw a picture of my nephew on a calendar my sister-in-law made and it made me want to cry. I have no idea why. I guess at that moment I had an intense desire to be around someone who cared about me for no real reason other than I was me. Maybe I just missed being around people that I could talk to or touch on a whim. I was miserable for a week at my brother's but it was all internal stuff that was grumbling around and crumbling up and folding back in on itself. If at any moment I came out of my darkness there were kids around to interact with and they have incredibly short sight, just like I do.

In any case now I'm worried I'm going to be miserable for this trip with my friend and I don't know what to do to fix it.

Ok, as I said that, my mind suggested some possibilities: Try to think about getting money in the next 24 hours. Like I said, shitty as it is, money makes me feel better. So having some will make me feel free in some ways.

But it's hard to focus on; I keep thinking of the larger story, the overall problem, the life-long narrative. What is going to save me from myself? What am I going to do with the rest of my life? How am I going to support myself? How am I going to live after, say, March?? I'm exhausting my retirement; I think I'll get back a little in taxes, but what then? What if I have no job then? What am I going to do?

Thinking about it makes me sick. As I've said before, I've always been incredibly lucky in terms of work - finding it and getting positions that are fairly easy. Now I'm up against it and nothing's turning up and I'm not good at scrabbling and working hard to get something. The one other time I had to it took me months and the job I got was terrible and I was bad at it. (I might have even quit because I was so weak.)

All of this negativity weighing me down makes me feel awful and unhappy and I don't know what to do with it.

Let's open another door. Because Best Friend is coming over, let's consider the food angle. I haven't really eaten anything today, other than stale, expired oatmeal. Best Friend has often said to me that my eating habits inform my mood and this time I'm willing to believe that she's right - only I don't feel well enough to pull myself up and make something. What would I make, anyway? I've got eggs and bread. (Well, steak, too, but it's frozen.) How are eggs and toast going to improve the situation? (Plus, my whiny self doesn't want to go through "the trouble" of making eggs.)(Fucking twat.)

I was hoping to get somewhere by writing this; to find the pinprick of emotion to release a few tears and maybe leaven my soul somewhat; but it hasn't happened. I should make that egg and toast. I don't want to. Fucking dick.