Watching "Intervention" again. Love this show. The addict on this episode is addicted to heroin and describes it in those terms that I love; warm, mostly.

Of course, when I see them living on the street, I think about how close I already am to the street and how few resources I have in relation to someone like her: no parents; no grandparents; few stable siblings and a hit-or-miss cousin set.

I think about my family sometimes (my father's side) and wonder about our genetics. My immediate family, in particular; my brothers and I all struggle with life. My sister seems to have the strength to make it and to create her own space; my brothers and I seem to need some kind of immediate support; two are married and one lives with his friend's family. If I didn't have my roommates, I'd probably be worse off than I am. Just having someone to talk to - even in the smallest way - makes a big difference in my life.

What I tend to feel on a general basis is a sense of disconnectedness and isolation; so having someone to chat with on a regular basis makes a big difference. Of course what I really need is friendships and some regular activity and connection. I've talked to the doctor recently about volunteering as much as I've talked about it here; unfortunately I've done just as much about it since talking to him as I have since talking about here: absolutely nothing. I mention that because volunteering would be good for me as a "pseudo-job;" it would keep me occupied and out of the house as well as regularly connected to some kind of group.

Each day, though, I don't think about that at all. I get up without any idea in my head at all. I don't have a plan for every day or for my life as a whole. I keep thinking that something will come from the outside and inspire me, pick me up, take me into the next space, somewhere where I can think clearly and function.

I function now pretty much as a piece of flotsam in the ocean, pushed by whatever current comes along. Tomorrow I'm leaving the house because I have an appointment; I have an outside commitment. Today I could have left the house and done the things that I've planned on doing for the past couple of weeks but I chose not to - or rather; I made no choice. (My father and my brother adopted a saying of my uncle's: "No answer is no." I think that applies in this case.)

I have to go now. I'm watching foreign television and I need to concentrate.