Well, here it is again, folks; it's the middle the of the night and I'm suddenly perking up and feeling a little bit better about things. (To be fair, it could be the 1.5 Pepsis I've had.)

My one thought is that daytime is "should" time and I feel pressured and unhappy then because I'm constantly thinking about what I am not and how badly I'm lacking in the skills to get somewhere.

Of course, the other part is I'm disconnected from my social group (or it's rather small), so I don't venture out and do things very much. Maybe if I had friends to meet up with today to go somewhere I would have been happier. More engaged, happier.

I wrote (to myself, when I was away from the internet) recently that maybe what I need to do is lower my expectations, focus on just getting a job and and surviving and maybe having friends and doing a few social things. Living, in a very general and basic way. If I can accomplish that, then maybe I can start thinking about (said in a mocking grand way) DREAMS and things like that.

I'm sure that in some way I could work on what used to be my "big dreams," trying to construct some smaller, more realistic things instead of psyching myself out by wishing on some grand scheme. But both concepts depress me. Am I ridiculous? Am I just a silly old man who thinks he's funny but has an overblown sense of himself? I've never refined my talent or worked on it, so it's not lean or cultured. It's just there.

There were a bunch of "Intervention" episodes on today and I thought again about how much I'd love to have the "re-training" that addicts seem to get in rehab. "It doesn't get them out of the difficulties in their lives; all the problems they left will still be there when they get back. No one cleans their rooms or the clutter in their minds while they're in rehab," I said to myself. Didn't really work so well; I didn't take a shower or leave the house in the end - or clean up my room or any of the other rooms in the house. The best thing I did today was to eat an avocado, which was halfway-healthy.

Tomorrow is my appointment and at least I'll be downtown. I didn't apply for the job I was going to apply for (I made up a cover letter that was interesting - to me, anyway - and that I thought would be "eye-catching" for a reader) so that's undone.

I was going to do some mailing tomorrow and I need to take my library books back (I already owe $11 on them) but I'm not prepared. I supposed I could get stuff together tomorrow morning but I'm not thinking about that now (I'm only half thinking about this as I'm half-watching a TV show [with subtitles, not less]).

I don't live my life very well. Best Friend went off on me a little bit the other day, saying I'm not dealing with all these things in my life; which is pretty much what I've been saying to myself over the past couple of weeks. All the hard work I've been talking about that I haven't done in my life has caught up to be; personal discipline that helps one do what one doesn't want to do. That's the stuff that needs to be done now.

Back to reality. Tomorrow: shower, ride downtown, appointment, lunch, then whatever. Home again; then maybe back out to the post office or library. Maybe cleaning. Just something to make life feel worth living.

[One of the things I've recently been thinking about is the idea of the "slack life." Everyone dreams of having nothing to do all day but in fact, it sucks. It saps your mind and your heart and you feel useless and like you have no reason for living. In some ways it must be like jail - only in my case it's a kind of self-imposed jail, a jail I won't leave for reasons of laziness or fear. Stupidity.]