Failure Blog Update

Have I updated the Failure Blog lately? Did I write earlier today on here?

Today was failure central. I did my usual "get up, watch tv, nap on the couch" routine, only broken up by the short trip I took to the store to buy my "breakfast" of Coke, BBQ corn chips and Pringles. No wonder I feel like shit.

I watched TV for a while, napped on the couch from 4 until 7:30 and then went back to watch TV. I'm stuffed up and feel miserable and when I woke up from being on the couch I was sore and blech. But of course I'm sore and blech: I haven't been moving around or eating any natural foods.

Nor did I get any sunshine in the past couple of days. (Well, I might have gotten a little bit walking over to the bus stop yesterday.) So basically I've gone against all of the prescribed advice and I'm paying the price.

I considered ordering food about an hour ago but couldn't make myself do it. TV pickings are getting fewer and far between and I should go to bed but I don't really feel tired, I just feel...bleah. Off. Wiped.

I should probably eat one of the apples I have but I'm just not energized to do so. I almost did it about two hours ago or so - I was really motivated to do so - but then I got overtaken by laziness and didn't want to clean the apple. (How fucking stupid is that??)

I should get a banana.

My one win today was that I brushed my teeth, which I haven't done in days.

I should buy some Perrier or soda water to put my juice concentrate in. (The concentrate is expired but that doesn't worry me. I mean, what's gonna go wrong in a juice concentrate [that's been in the freezer all this time]?)

I should have taken a shower and gone somewhere. But where was I gonna go? (I wrote a post about that but I haven't published it yet because I went off track at the end and didn't finish it right.)

The extra..uh, "crunch" this weekend is the Superbowl. I'm not going anywhere and don't have anything special to do. The fact that there's this big celebration and I have no way to take part in it makes me feel lonely and sad.

I guess the real problem is that I don't have a method to deal with that ("combat it," if you will). I don't know what to do to circumvent the loneliness and feeling of not belonging. ("Okay," says Logical Brain. "What if you were to call someone??") Right. I thought of that yesterday; thought of calling Best Friend's brother and asking what he was doing; or calling another guy I know and asking him what he was doing. I thought of calling another friend who has had parties in the past and inviting myself to his house. But I just don't feel right doing that, even if it is a good option.

Maybe I could just go workout. Maybe I could go for a good long walk and get some sunshine and take myself out to eat (because my bank account has gone under the rent amount, so that's done). Maybe all of that would bring some kind of lightness to my mood that would make me feel a lot better and get me through the later evening when this national celebration is going on and I'm alone.

Here's another small win: I took my vitamins. I'm pretty good at doing that, but still: when you go off track, most things can fall by the wayside. So if you can keep up some habit that's good for you when you're doing everything wrong, that's a victory. I took them late in the day (maybe even after sundown), but I took them.

I'm going to stop now because I'm losing focus. "A Conversation with Henry Louis Gates, Jr." is on PBS and I'd like to pay attention to that. I'm curious about how he persevered; I'm always interested in people who overcome odds and I'm interested in how African Americans have experienced and survived the United States and I really should read more of them.

(He's talking about fellowships and I'm thinking: I should apply for a bunch of stuff like that - grants, scholarships, fellowships, whatever. But then my brain tells me: Please, dude. You haven't done shit in years. They're gonna look at you and say: You're an empty shell. You've got no grit or substance. People today are working hard as hell; you're a piece of flaccid meat.)

Eh, give up.