Well, I'm officially a jackass.

I didn't take my own advice today and instead tried to use the drugs of sleep and TV to wipe away time. I also failed to eat early in the day to try to change my mood. In fact, the only time my mood perked up at all was when a friend called and I talked to her briefly. (Or maybe it was that I made and ate the first food of the day around the time she called. [sad face])

So now I have another day of failure following me into night. I feel miserable about myself and the drudgery of being me is like wearing a full complement of wet clothing. I'd like to take a shower because I feel dirty but I say to myself 'what's the point?' I'm not going anywhere. I don't have anything to do. It's a waste of time. Take a shower tomorrow morning.

Of course, I know that my mood improves when I take a shower; it's like wiping off the day before. But how will I feel if I take a shower now, after I've wasted the entire day? Ah, fuck. It's all a fucking waste.

--
I was thinking today that I can't seem to do the short-term stuff if I don't believe in the long-term. If there's no larger goal, why do the small stuff. "It's not going to help anyway," says my negative mind. Never mind that no larger goals can be accomplished without the small blocks being taken care of.

And I guess I have a larger goal, in that I want to be happy and live a happy life; and toward that end, there's simple things that I can do that can't be seen as parts of any fixed, larger plan except for my overall health. That's hard for me to focus on, mostly because I don't have prolonged experience with those habits and so [I choose] not to have faith in them. I put the "choose" part in brackets because I hate admitting that my misery is my own choice.